Some great potential here, but a couple of things can be greatly improved. First, reconsider using any adverbs. They tend to be redundant and can be distracting. Mostly, though, I would suggest you focus on "Show, not tell" throughout. Consider the viewpoint of the reader who is reading your stuff as if it were a moving picture. Your words create images in our heads. So, verbs like "felt," "seemed," and those statements that can only be observed by the character (i..e., the writer) don't keep the reader engaged because we can't "see" them. What does the reader see? Show them. Example: "I was frightened" tells. "The hair stood on the back of my neck" shows. Good luck with this piece! It's a great story and very relatable!
Thanks a lot for the feedback, Adelia! I get what you’re saying, and I’ll definitely work on bringing the scenes to life more. The example you gave really clicked, so I’ll keep that in mind while editing. I really appreciate your advice and the encouraging words. It also means a lot to hear that someone relates. Thanks again!
The editor's notes reminded me of Stephen King's 10% formula from his book On Writing. Formula:
2nd Draft = 1st Draft – 10%.
The story leaves you feeling good about the boy, so it is doing its work in that department. Bettering the craft of writing is a process. I am going through it too. I gained significant insight from both the editor's notes and comments.
This is a nice story overall. I'm assuming you wrote this for the creative nonfiction contest, so I'll not challenge the facts presented in the story. However, the bus scene left me with a lot of questions. For example, the narrator is in the front seat and tony is in the back seat, but their interactions made it sound like they were sitting closer together. Also, thud and sharp sting don't seem to fit with being hit with a ball of paper. I think some changes to your word choices in the section will make it feel more realistic.
I am a bit confused about the narrator being so hungry at the end after (presumably) eating a school lunch, ketchup and bread for breakfast, and a bunch of pizza at Ian's house. Furthermore, describing the fast food as fulfilling seems a bit like an oxymoron. I believe that a school lunch would be more fulfilling than a bunch of fast food, but maybe it depends on the school. (My school did not offer breakfast, for example.) Do the poor kids (who eat together) get lesser meals? Do some of them not eat? Did the narrator not always get a lunch? I feel as if you are combining details from several different days into this one day. (Perfectly valid in creative nonfiction, by the way.) If you are doing that, maybe the narrator arrived at Ian's as they were finishing dinner and only had a slice or two? As written, it sounds like he was stuffed with pizza before getting picked up by the social workers.
If the narrator does go to Ian's straight after school, does he wonder at all about how his sisters are doing or what they are eating? Does he stop home first to check on them? Does he have his own video games, or does he only play Ian's games? Does the narrator actually own five changes of clothing? Where did the uncle come from? He is only mentioned once. I'm not sure if you need to answer all of these questions in your story, but these are things I was wondering about.
I hope I said something useful here. Best luck on revisions.
Losing a LOT of the descriptors would be a great way to make the story move along, but I felt as though the main thing you might want to focus on in revision is: Who is this kid? We get a general impression of an overweight, uncared-for child, but then he's totally passive and silent when bullied in the bus, and later tells us he's become the class clown as a coping mechanism. It seems a tad inconsistent.
You might want to think again about the whole friendship with Ian thing--if he has this one friendship, with the son of a cop (who lives in a trailer park????Not sure about the possibility of that) and fills up on pizza even before he gets "rescued", it definitely takes away from his hunger and dulls our feeling of his desperate need. It would be more dramatic if you didn't go through the day blow by blow, but hit on the worst moments: nothing but ketchup. leaving two toddlers at home alone as he goes for school and how he feels about that, terrible bus ride, some off moments in school, and maybe getting off the bus he's anxious to at least get back to the home he knows, maybe worried about those poor little sisters he left behind, and has some hope his mother might be there....but she isn't and the cops are.
Some great potential here, but a couple of things can be greatly improved. First, reconsider using any adverbs. They tend to be redundant and can be distracting. Mostly, though, I would suggest you focus on "Show, not tell" throughout. Consider the viewpoint of the reader who is reading your stuff as if it were a moving picture. Your words create images in our heads. So, verbs like "felt," "seemed," and those statements that can only be observed by the character (i..e., the writer) don't keep the reader engaged because we can't "see" them. What does the reader see? Show them. Example: "I was frightened" tells. "The hair stood on the back of my neck" shows. Good luck with this piece! It's a great story and very relatable!
Thanks a lot for the feedback, Adelia! I get what you’re saying, and I’ll definitely work on bringing the scenes to life more. The example you gave really clicked, so I’ll keep that in mind while editing. I really appreciate your advice and the encouraging words. It also means a lot to hear that someone relates. Thanks again!
The editor's notes reminded me of Stephen King's 10% formula from his book On Writing. Formula:
2nd Draft = 1st Draft – 10%.
The story leaves you feeling good about the boy, so it is doing its work in that department. Bettering the craft of writing is a process. I am going through it too. I gained significant insight from both the editor's notes and comments.
Hi,
This is a nice story overall. I'm assuming you wrote this for the creative nonfiction contest, so I'll not challenge the facts presented in the story. However, the bus scene left me with a lot of questions. For example, the narrator is in the front seat and tony is in the back seat, but their interactions made it sound like they were sitting closer together. Also, thud and sharp sting don't seem to fit with being hit with a ball of paper. I think some changes to your word choices in the section will make it feel more realistic.
I am a bit confused about the narrator being so hungry at the end after (presumably) eating a school lunch, ketchup and bread for breakfast, and a bunch of pizza at Ian's house. Furthermore, describing the fast food as fulfilling seems a bit like an oxymoron. I believe that a school lunch would be more fulfilling than a bunch of fast food, but maybe it depends on the school. (My school did not offer breakfast, for example.) Do the poor kids (who eat together) get lesser meals? Do some of them not eat? Did the narrator not always get a lunch? I feel as if you are combining details from several different days into this one day. (Perfectly valid in creative nonfiction, by the way.) If you are doing that, maybe the narrator arrived at Ian's as they were finishing dinner and only had a slice or two? As written, it sounds like he was stuffed with pizza before getting picked up by the social workers.
If the narrator does go to Ian's straight after school, does he wonder at all about how his sisters are doing or what they are eating? Does he stop home first to check on them? Does he have his own video games, or does he only play Ian's games? Does the narrator actually own five changes of clothing? Where did the uncle come from? He is only mentioned once. I'm not sure if you need to answer all of these questions in your story, but these are things I was wondering about.
I hope I said something useful here. Best luck on revisions.
Losing a LOT of the descriptors would be a great way to make the story move along, but I felt as though the main thing you might want to focus on in revision is: Who is this kid? We get a general impression of an overweight, uncared-for child, but then he's totally passive and silent when bullied in the bus, and later tells us he's become the class clown as a coping mechanism. It seems a tad inconsistent.
You might want to think again about the whole friendship with Ian thing--if he has this one friendship, with the son of a cop (who lives in a trailer park????Not sure about the possibility of that) and fills up on pizza even before he gets "rescued", it definitely takes away from his hunger and dulls our feeling of his desperate need. It would be more dramatic if you didn't go through the day blow by blow, but hit on the worst moments: nothing but ketchup. leaving two toddlers at home alone as he goes for school and how he feels about that, terrible bus ride, some off moments in school, and maybe getting off the bus he's anxious to at least get back to the home he knows, maybe worried about those poor little sisters he left behind, and has some hope his mother might be there....but she isn't and the cops are.